People’s Review VIII: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

This is a film that celebrates one of America’s great heroes for being a mass murderer of fantasy monsters.  Abraham Lincoln was a great champion of the proletariat before the idea of the proletariat was even popularized. The south was constructed on a system of unbridled capitalism in which even human beings were considered mere goods to be bought and sold.  Abraham Lincoln mobilized the forces of his proletariat north in order to invade and crush the capitalist institution of slavery.  For that he is a great hero of all workers. 

This film casts this hero in a far different light. The overarching events of his life are still there, but each detail is glamorized as a life dedicated to destroying vampires. The Vampires are portrayed as titans of capitalism.  Perhaps they make a good point, as all capitalists live off the life-blood of the proletariat.  In this case is it literal. They are cruel and vicious, with no qualms about their decadence.  Even the ostensibly innocent are not off-limits to these bourgeois beasts. 

Enter a young Abraham Lincoln, working as a child laborer to assist his hard working father. Witnessing a gross injustice against his proletariat brother, he leaps into action. For this, his mother is executed in brutally painful fashion by the capitalist pigs. Years later and grown, Abraham returns to get justice for the proletariat. Unfortunately for him, corporations are hard to kill and they soon get the upper hand through an obvious legal loophole in that they are vampires and Abraham is merely human. Fortunately for him, he is saved by a mysterious stranger. 

The stranger takes on Abraham and teaches him the skills he will need to destroy the capitalist vampires. Pretty soon, Abraham is ready to be sent out to begin his righteous mission.  After a rough start, he manages to kill enough vampires to be noticed by the vampire CEO, Adam.  Abraham heads down to the great center of decadence and capitalist extremism, New Orleans, and slaughters large numbers of vampires before escaping.  Having learned about just how pervasive the capitalist problem is, Abraham decides that he can kill more bourgeois with politics than with an ax.

Thus begins a montage scene of Abraham getting old and the capitalists seceding to form their own nation.  Abraham decides to launch his war to eradicate the capitalists corporate state.  The war goes well until the vampires are unleashed in great numbers. The vampires even executed Abraham’s son. Undaunted, he mobilizes the proletariat to confiscate the silver from the northern bourgeois. The vampires, afraid of this threat attempt to stop Abraham by assaulting his train and burning a bridge. Being a great hero of the proletariat Abraham overcomes the vampire threat, driving them from the Americas.  A glorious victory for all workers!

Ratings:

Capitalist Slant: 1/10 Due to the realistic portrayal of capitalist as vampires.

Bourgeois death count 10/10 As the Abraham Lincoln is a ruthless slayer of decadent pig dogs.

People's Recommendation: Celebrate this hero of the worker's paradise!